Deat myself part 3 or 4 who knows

 Dear myself

I have fallen deeper then I have ever imagine. I was in a rush to start something that never happened. I was scared to succeed that I ran away. I have distance myself now and then but more then I like from God. I will confess my sins but it will be between me and him. 

  But it's 2025. I have taken a moment to sit with myself. I have made the descion last year. 2 months to be exact,  to go ahead and do the things i never done before. I want to live and smile everyday. I don't want to be misused or misunderstood. I want to be me and not hide. I decide to move forward. 

My first step I did was letting go off my old job. I should have never went back. But I did. I was overwhelmed once I left my medical job. I remember when I was packing up everything from my medical job and the next day I had to go back to my old job to excaspe I thought, I was filled with sadness. I call it that becasue once I walked in those doors again, A feeling of a bad taste in my mouth. Like, I was never suppose to go back. Being there for almost a year, I was fiting against myself to prove that I belong to be a leader. Lead that had people fir back against me. I put smiles on people faces to have someone so upset to hit me from behind. To so much negativty and no grwoth. I started to remember why I left. I look back at my medical job. All I had to do is take the next step to succeed. To not be scared of the unknow. 

  I waited and waited. I found myself going back to my medical job. I prayed and I asked for guidness. it worked. I'm realizing my journey has just begone. 

  I had one of the ladies told me, if I take PTO before I leave I won't be able to be rehired. I looked at her and chuckled. "I don't want to come back. That's the point. 

  I left and I feel so free. So free that there is something I know that is in that building that I was fighting. I did my duties and tried my best to stay positive while i was there. I wonder about the ones that are there, will they ever make it out. 

You free, remember that. Never go back to a place that never desreve you the first time around. A lesson learn. 

Learning....life?

 Dear myself

I have found myself unsure about everything I do know. I have tried so many times to be perfect. I try hard to get things done. sacrifice to much that I have lost myself. Scared to be Happy. Scared to live. I have found myself working hard to get things done. 

  Just maybe I just need to take a break from everything around me. I just need the ocean. get out this bubble that I can't breathe in. 

  I feel lost in all this craziness around me. Ever since my mom past, I have been keeping myself going. Not wanting to think about what has happened a year ago. Then, using my friend at the same time, I feel numbed. As everyone live their life, I am trap in this bubble. Trapped in this wave of trying to stay afloat with everything. 

  As I try and keep my new job to everyday lifestyle to getting things done. I am overwhelmed. I am starting to see where I have not healed all the way. 

 I see that just maybe I need a new start but I have no idea where I need to start. I am alone and I have to smile for my kids. I have no one to talk to but muyself.

   As life goes on and I try not to have my problems be everyone else's problem, I realize sooner or later I will have to heal I will have to go take a break for 2 weeks and enjoy life. 

Thank you for listening. 

  "No Problem. It's okay to get it all out." 

Love,

myself

He said.....

 I'm going to let everything out. Let the pain flow as I want my readers to understand that I choice to live and let go. 

   Yesterday I let him go. I gave him what he wanted. I gave him something he will regret. Leaving his space and not looking back in a step that I thought I would never take. I will be honest; this shit will hurt. When someone comes back, and you start to feel that spark of joy and familiar to you. Little did I know it was nothing but what they needed. 

  A little talk here and there. Not wanting to look at the truth behind the stories and unsure of everything. I love you he said as I said it as well. Honesty can be the truth, but you cannot love 2 people. Letting go seems to be the right thing. letting go seems to be something new for me. Holding something that doesn't serve you no purpose.

 First day of saying goodbye. We shall see how this should go. Now I have to wait to see if he calls to see the kids. 

  Ladies and gentlemen, if you are going through something. A breakup or a heart ache please follow me along with this journey of freedom from love that needs to be release for new things to come in your life. 

My Journey My life 

hello again

 Hello 

I'm dying huh? It's a simple question you can tell me. it's not complicated. I can feel myself slowly falling apart. Bloody nose as I try to keep it to myself. Doctor is out the question.

   Maybe just breath

     Breath for what

You have a lot going on, I understand

  No, you can't possible understand. Soon, I will have to be... alone

I know but you can do it

See, I know I can but I don't want to. I'm tired and just tired. My body is breaking down. My mental mind set is just overloaded with so many things to where I can barely keep up with certain things anymore. I put on a smile and pretend. Inside I'm dying. Inside I know I'm not ready.

"Take some time. things will get better.

Ha, I thought that too. It never did just tears and more tears.

  No more talking for now. Maybe later,

"Okay but I promise it will get better"

love, 

Myself. 

Death

 I tell myself I will be okay. I act strong like nothing is wrong as I drink my problems away. Knowing my mother will be gone any day now. It hit a spot in my heart as I think about all the things she didn't see me do. Having a career or just a stable job to where she can be like "yes, my daughter did it. She will be okay" to getting married to making happy memories in Colorado. Drive through the mountains to camp out in the outdoors of the wilderness. Those memories I will have to have without her.

  If I cry, it's because of the memories she won't share with me. The pictures she will no longer be in. Watch my babies grow and go to there high school graduations. Shop like other daughters do with there mom's at a old age. Now I get to soak up the wounds and memories. 

   This year has been a blessing. I have been through a lot every since 2019 left. 

No one knows when they will die or the ones they love. Doing what is right at the moment will bring you peace. Sharing memories that will last for years after your gone.

  Death is apart of life and it sucks. Why get attach if the person you love have to go? The person who took care of you have to go? I know it's a part of life. One day we all will meet up again,

  I'm just hoping the people we love will all make it to the same place. 

Love, 

Myself. 

lesson?

 Dear Myself,

I was confuse for a while. I didn't know what he wanted and I feel like he doesn't tell me the truth. you see, I told him what I wanted. I ask him to put in the work. He never did. It has came to nothing now. I have to except it today. 

 My phone will ring but I won't pick it up if it's him. I will show him the pain he put me through. I will show it how it feels when someone turns there back on you.

  I agree, do it. Time for a lesson

Yes indeed. I can do this

Love,

  Myself. 

Told myself the breath

 Dear Myself

Yes I have told myself to breath for some many days that I just want answers but I feel like I will never get them. It saddens me but their is nothing I can do. I ret to keep myself busy. Slow down and then but I have to keep my mind off of what happen to. You know what I am getting to. I don't need to explain that heart ache. 

  I figure if I work just 3 days or less my mind will be on learning something new. Actually doing something to better my life. Maybe be able to go back to college somehow. I'm hopping if you are working during these crazy times, we get a raise to 15 or just a few bucks come are way. 

  I will tell you more once things get better. when I feel better

Don't worry things will get better. Heal as things change around the world. You are prepping for something bigger then you think.