different blog/sadness

Dear Myself

This blog is going to be different. Dear Myself bog is going to be more straight forward. More pain and hurt as everyone feels and never want to tell all. I have to tell because what is the point of acting like it doesn't happen to me or you. We all been through this pain and we all need to realize we healed from it one way or another. I understand some of us don't. 

  Here I go

   I have experience to much pain with a man for the past 13 years. I put up with the bullshit, the jealousy, the cheating and especially the lies. I lost myself. I loved him dearly not because I had kids with him but I actually loved him. I thought moving on without him would be good for me but instead I still wanted to be with him. I tried to go out on dates but it still wasn't him. I didn't do anything sexual with anyone as I figure I try to get to know the person before jumping in bed. No one never came close to the connection I was looking for.

   Then there was joseph a guy I meet before my ex came back. He was nice and sweet as he saw the pain of a woman that was badly hurt. He didn't take advantage of it but he actually listen and held me as I cried on his shoulder. He cared as he saw I loved another men that didn't love me the same. He was willing to wait for me as I was special. One of a kind.

   My ex came back and I stop talk to Joseph for him. days, weeks and months went. My ex was not as strong as I thought. He was laid off at work because he was late. He stop paying bills and rent and never seem to understand going back and forth to my parents house to get kids and working 5 days was getting to me. I was a exhausted momma. He was not there as he went somewhere else. 

    months went as I forgave but I never forgot. I helped him even though he fucked up. I figure their might just be a chance.  I can fix my family but this time around he has to proof to me he can. 

  No short cuts...No excuses. 

     It didn't take long for him to fail. Sorrows as grown and anger has build up. This time it's better to run far away. Far away to heal Far away to forget. Far away to not be able to listen to the bullshit anymore.

   Today I deleted his phone number. Next is court or some time of sitting down and having arrangements for payments. This part of my life I need to close. Closing the door will be a better fit for me. 

   Trust me the pain hurts it's like someone is ripping out your heart. Holding in all the pain it feels like stress is over taking my body that sooner or later it will shut down. I'm starting to see how people die from a broken heart. 

   Yes, I put myself in this again. I take full responsibility of trusting someone that didn't do his part. 

Please don't judge people that are hurting over someone that hurt them. Don't talk shit as if that will make the person wake up....it doesn't.

    Let that person vent. Let that person get all that shit out so they can finally breath and not hold on to something that was never suppose to be. You see that hurt me when I said never suppose to be. 

  People that have a broken heart or been through something with someone that have loved for a very long time have to heal. That means it will take longer then they would like. Trust has fallen far from them that each time a person comes around, they will not trust them. They will always have a guard up. 

   Love....for us...for them is a lie. A lie people tell you to have hope. To tell you so you think you can really be loved one day. A dam fairytale that people over the years have talked about. This age in time...their is no love out there. Only the special ones find it. I am not one of them. Yes I said it. I am not one of them. 

  I will learn how to love myself. I will learn to deal with things on my own. I am broken and I can not be fixed. I have no one but I think I will be okay

  This is just my life now,

Love,

Myself