Dear Myself
I have let myself go in some type of way. When you have kids you try not to let yourself go. Wake up early to put on a little makeup to look alive to your crazy hair..you place up to make it look wonderful but inside all that is a mess you will have to comb out later. Maybe that's just my hair but washing clothes for five people seems alot but it has to get done. wearing clothes that is 2 or maybe 5 years old seems a little ridiculous but I do what I need to do.
I try not to call myself selfish as I feel like I am far from it but want to be like it once in a while.
Alot of days I want t o scream to let all my anger out.
I'm glad and thankful for getting up in the morning to have another shot at life but I feel like I'm slowly dieing. There is nothing exciting happening in my life. I'm just living to get a few pennies in my pocket to only take my kids out once in a blue moon.
My Therapy of the day..letting some shit out...
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Life....? :/
Dear Myself
I have debated and debated in my head how in the heck am I going to survive the next 2 in a half months of 2017. I will be running around and looking for a great opportunity to start a new life. Well what really is a new life?
It doesn't matter, all I know I will be running after kids and trying my hardest to get things line up for me.
searching for the right degree in college seems to be a mystery to me as I wonder around on this earth asking myself "what is next"
Time is passing and people are getting married, having babies, starting there dream job or even starting there own business. Some even travel the world and go to one country or two to only remember the fantastic time they had.
Of course people die and they get sick but did they really live? Was there happiness in there life? Those questions run through my mind as I wake up every morning wondering if I'm truly happy. How much do I need to sacrifice or do I?
I'm starting to understand the statement when people say " You regret the things you didn't do then the once you did"
I have debated and debated in my head how in the heck am I going to survive the next 2 in a half months of 2017. I will be running around and looking for a great opportunity to start a new life. Well what really is a new life?
It doesn't matter, all I know I will be running after kids and trying my hardest to get things line up for me.
searching for the right degree in college seems to be a mystery to me as I wonder around on this earth asking myself "what is next"
Time is passing and people are getting married, having babies, starting there dream job or even starting there own business. Some even travel the world and go to one country or two to only remember the fantastic time they had.
Of course people die and they get sick but did they really live? Was there happiness in there life? Those questions run through my mind as I wake up every morning wondering if I'm truly happy. How much do I need to sacrifice or do I?
I'm starting to understand the statement when people say " You regret the things you didn't do then the once you did"
Saturday, October 7, 2017
sick and milk won't pump out alot :/ :(
As people would say " You are to young to be tire" Which might be true if you have no kids. Just saying and that's kids with a S.
Now the question is am I really tired? Yes because I caught a little cold. There can be many of ways I caught this cold but I would have to say because I didn't take the time to fine my jacket.
Early in the morning as I have to rush to take my kids to school ( I like to leave at a certain time) I didn't want them to be late as I would be doing drop off in the front, I don't have to get out. Little did I know it would catch up with me.
I could have even caught it at work but still I was being lazy and unorganized putting things up as I take them off to hang up (that's truly a moms life) to only catch a little cold.
I stop taking my vitamin C as I felt like I was good...feeling great but the cold hit last night and all I was thinking was "Shit I have work on Sunday" Not feeling well to having to go to work tomorrow sucks.
To top everything off I can't pump milk out. I only got 3 oz which I need at least 4 more ounces. I know that should be easy but nope my milk isn't coming down like it should so I'm going to have to start early to pumo before I go to work and pray it comes down or no work because for my baby comes first. Plus she won't take formula so yea not to much of a choice.
I better get sleeping and pray that my milk will pump right on out tomorrow. :/
Now the question is am I really tired? Yes because I caught a little cold. There can be many of ways I caught this cold but I would have to say because I didn't take the time to fine my jacket.
Early in the morning as I have to rush to take my kids to school ( I like to leave at a certain time) I didn't want them to be late as I would be doing drop off in the front, I don't have to get out. Little did I know it would catch up with me.
I could have even caught it at work but still I was being lazy and unorganized putting things up as I take them off to hang up (that's truly a moms life) to only catch a little cold.
I stop taking my vitamin C as I felt like I was good...feeling great but the cold hit last night and all I was thinking was "Shit I have work on Sunday" Not feeling well to having to go to work tomorrow sucks.
To top everything off I can't pump milk out. I only got 3 oz which I need at least 4 more ounces. I know that should be easy but nope my milk isn't coming down like it should so I'm going to have to start early to pumo before I go to work and pray it comes down or no work because for my baby comes first. Plus she won't take formula so yea not to much of a choice.
I better get sleeping and pray that my milk will pump right on out tomorrow. :/
YOU!!!! Pain...truth Dear Myself
Dear Myself
You are in control
You are the one that has to do what's right for yourself
If you don't feel like picking up the phone then don't..Even when people get mad at you for not picking up.
Do what you feel is right. Do as you need as you will cry towards the night wanting more then you have.
Feeling like shit because you have proved to be relying on your parents help as you slowly grow up trying to find a better job and not know if you are able to afford a place on your own. Even doubt lingers as you are unsure if you want to leave the nest. Even if you say you do are you truly ready? Can you be ready?
You might have fear but you learn how to adapt to certain situations so well that you know no one esle that you know could do the things you had to do or understand any of your actions. Your own mother doesn't as your brain is wired different from hers.
You try your best but that is never enough.
You crave for sleep as sleep is not even important anymore. You want reinsurance that each desicion you make will not affect the ones around you anymore but improve there lives.
Most importantly you are scared to take a step forward because all you do is take 2 steps back. That's how it feels.
That's how you feel about moving so far to only take 2 steps back in the future, life and love.
You are in control
You are the one that has to do what's right for yourself
If you don't feel like picking up the phone then don't..Even when people get mad at you for not picking up.
Do what you feel is right. Do as you need as you will cry towards the night wanting more then you have.
Feeling like shit because you have proved to be relying on your parents help as you slowly grow up trying to find a better job and not know if you are able to afford a place on your own. Even doubt lingers as you are unsure if you want to leave the nest. Even if you say you do are you truly ready? Can you be ready?
You might have fear but you learn how to adapt to certain situations so well that you know no one esle that you know could do the things you had to do or understand any of your actions. Your own mother doesn't as your brain is wired different from hers.
You try your best but that is never enough.
You crave for sleep as sleep is not even important anymore. You want reinsurance that each desicion you make will not affect the ones around you anymore but improve there lives.
Most importantly you are scared to take a step forward because all you do is take 2 steps back. That's how it feels.
That's how you feel about moving so far to only take 2 steps back in the future, life and love.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Life....hmm
Dear Myself
I have founded life to be difficult as I try to stay calm and not panic.
I even wanted life to be...well easy as I try to map everything out which I terribly have failed at. The only thing I have on my list is kids which I wanted at 28 and married around 22. Everything is flip upside down turned around.
But I must go on right? I could cry and I could whine about every little thing I don't have and what I do want but I don't. Instead I hold my head up high and cover my tears. Wait for the perfect moment to let it all out (alone) and cry myself a river for a minute or less. That's all the time I have to let all my sadness out.
That being said life will never be easy but it sure will get better over time. I have to humble myself because some out there might have it worse then me.
That's what I try and tell myself now and then.
That being said life will never be easy but it sure will get better over time. I have to humble myself because some out there might have it worse then me.
That's what I try and tell myself now and then.
life desicions...what to do
I have debated and debated all yesterday and basically all month about what I'm going to do the rest of my life. Well that didn't go well that I had to pray on it. I asked for a sign and I believe I got it.
Childcare or something in that field. Getting a response from a employer and having to work at a decent time sounds good to me but unsure if I got the job yet.
staying away from healthcare careers like nursing just because my views on healthcare has change and I have learn over the years.
I want to enjoy my job so I have to put in some work and schooling to get where I want to be in life
Holistic health care I'm going to look into as well childcare since I love helping people and children.
Yes I have a lot to think about as I will be able to do my hobby on the side.
I have responsabilités that I can't take the rest of dropping everything to follow my dream. That would be selfish of me and I need to think smart about everything.
Right now my goal is getting a bigger car so everyone can come...even my parents to long trips then take 2 cars. Heading back to school in the spring..
I have alot going on that I can barely wrap my mind around it that I will have to wait until I find a job that really fits me and plus I need to fix my computer!!! That's me scream right there.
Childcare or something in that field. Getting a response from a employer and having to work at a decent time sounds good to me but unsure if I got the job yet.
staying away from healthcare careers like nursing just because my views on healthcare has change and I have learn over the years.
I want to enjoy my job so I have to put in some work and schooling to get where I want to be in life
Holistic health care I'm going to look into as well childcare since I love helping people and children.
Yes I have a lot to think about as I will be able to do my hobby on the side.
I have responsabilités that I can't take the rest of dropping everything to follow my dream. That would be selfish of me and I need to think smart about everything.
Right now my goal is getting a bigger car so everyone can come...even my parents to long trips then take 2 cars. Heading back to school in the spring..
I have alot going on that I can barely wrap my mind around it that I will have to wait until I find a job that really fits me and plus I need to fix my computer!!! That's me scream right there.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Wine or no wine?
Today Google is my best friend as I made a delicious meal for lunch and all I wanted was a glass of wine to go with it.
If you are asking why nit...well I breastfeed and watching what I eat is important but dang a girl needs a glass of wine sometimes but I rarely do have a glass of wine anyways. So I did some research( just hit one page on Google and music to my ears)
Well on Today's Parents u believe it's call a magazine and I got information about breastfeeding and alcohol which I just want one glass of wine now and then.
Get have me information and insight on this issue as a breastfeeding mother. Especially a doctor professional view on it as well.
All I am missing with my meal is a nice slice of bisacto bread. I think that's what you call it.
If you are asking why nit...well I breastfeed and watching what I eat is important but dang a girl needs a glass of wine sometimes but I rarely do have a glass of wine anyways. So I did some research( just hit one page on Google and music to my ears)
Well on Today's Parents u believe it's call a magazine and I got information about breastfeeding and alcohol which I just want one glass of wine now and then.
Get have me information and insight on this issue as a breastfeeding mother. Especially a doctor professional view on it as well.
All I am missing with my meal is a nice slice of bisacto bread. I think that's what you call it.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Dear Myself
I have completely failed of not calling my baby daddy. I have to admit I was very lonely and wanted someone to talk to on this late night but more importantly I wanted someone to share this moment of seeing babygirl up with smiles. He would appreciate how I feeling when she makes me smile.
That being said and after it was dome with as we talked a little I want to pop myself upside the head and say " What where you thinking?"
No diapers or whips from him. And he said he would be sending her something....suppose to come tomorrow, we shall see.
Somehow I need to boost myself back up or keep myself occupied. I even have been feeling lazy on the weekends where I just want to chill and relax. I know I can relax and I'm going to the park I think since we all are still up and I'm hoping we leave in the morning before it gets to hot.
I need to work on my self esteem or something as my baby fat seems to fall off slow and I'm trying to figure out my clothes for work as going back is close and I want to cry. Even pumping seems to be a challenge.
I just need ti.e a lone in a quite area to just think....hmmm library seems promising.
I have completely failed of not calling my baby daddy. I have to admit I was very lonely and wanted someone to talk to on this late night but more importantly I wanted someone to share this moment of seeing babygirl up with smiles. He would appreciate how I feeling when she makes me smile.
That being said and after it was dome with as we talked a little I want to pop myself upside the head and say " What where you thinking?"
No diapers or whips from him. And he said he would be sending her something....suppose to come tomorrow, we shall see.
Somehow I need to boost myself back up or keep myself occupied. I even have been feeling lazy on the weekends where I just want to chill and relax. I know I can relax and I'm going to the park I think since we all are still up and I'm hoping we leave in the morning before it gets to hot.
I need to work on my self esteem or something as my baby fat seems to fall off slow and I'm trying to figure out my clothes for work as going back is close and I want to cry. Even pumping seems to be a challenge.
I just need ti.e a lone in a quite area to just think....hmmm library seems promising.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Declaring?!:/ :)
Dear Myself
I am declaring that I will try my best to pray every night. To talk to Yah without forgetting. I need to as there is so much going on in my life, I know he will be there for me. Plus, he was there when I really needed him and I will never forget and my promise I made to him and I am keeping.
Tonight has been a relaxing night as my mom help with the kids lunches and I finally went outside to look at the stars with my little one. I thought the moon might be out but it was no where insight. The clouds must been blocking it.
I figure I change somethings in my life and get real serious about the way I think.
Things are changing and I need to start paying attention more often and do what's right.
I am declaring that I will try my best to pray every night. To talk to Yah without forgetting. I need to as there is so much going on in my life, I know he will be there for me. Plus, he was there when I really needed him and I will never forget and my promise I made to him and I am keeping.
Tonight has been a relaxing night as my mom help with the kids lunches and I finally went outside to look at the stars with my little one. I thought the moon might be out but it was no where insight. The clouds must been blocking it.
I figure I change somethings in my life and get real serious about the way I think.
Things are changing and I need to start paying attention more often and do what's right.
Oh my sick day
Dear Myself
I have found myself exhausted from running around and teeming to my kids as I am horribly tired and sick. For the past couple of days as I try my hardest to fight off a cold and my kids got sick already from school.
Healing them with homemade tea, black seed oil and vitamin C with lots of resting I have found myself sick. I know my Grammer isn't on point as I would take the time to correct but I can't.
I am terribly sick as my nose keep running and my ears pop as if I was on the airplane. I want to rest but really what is rest?
I know I need another homemade tea as black see oil I can pass on since it did work wonders getting rid of my sore throat.
All I want to do is rest as yesterday I tried my best to keep it together and made fried rice and orange chicken. My mom didn't even expect that which I'm glad everyone loved.
Now I am sick with the runny nose thar I try to make sure I wash my hands as much as I can.
With my parents help it is possible to get things done. If they were not here then u could cry all the way to bed.
I have found myself exhausted from running around and teeming to my kids as I am horribly tired and sick. For the past couple of days as I try my hardest to fight off a cold and my kids got sick already from school.
Healing them with homemade tea, black seed oil and vitamin C with lots of resting I have found myself sick. I know my Grammer isn't on point as I would take the time to correct but I can't.
I am terribly sick as my nose keep running and my ears pop as if I was on the airplane. I want to rest but really what is rest?
I know I need another homemade tea as black see oil I can pass on since it did work wonders getting rid of my sore throat.
All I want to do is rest as yesterday I tried my best to keep it together and made fried rice and orange chicken. My mom didn't even expect that which I'm glad everyone loved.
Now I am sick with the runny nose thar I try to make sure I wash my hands as much as I can.
With my parents help it is possible to get things done. If they were not here then u could cry all the way to bed.
my first chapter
This is chapter 1 of myself. I have declare not to be in love for the next year even yes after that. I have been mess over to many test by my ex. I'm calling him my ex because I declared if a boyfriend who truly loved you and had a baby by and been through so much shit....especially been together pass 5 years and never proposed bec6he couldn't get shit right. You give him another chance and still fuck up...it's time to just move on. Right this have to be right.
Waiting by the phone hoping he would call as I have to attend to my parent duties plus a 1 month on top of that is not helping.
Wanting child support as I try to set something up besides getting all crazy and shit. Nothing has work and now I have been asking myself where did I go wrong?
Of course I know as I feel so exhausted beating myself up about it. Crying for my prince charming to come.
Now I have realize nothing is coming.I have wasted to much energy on my ex and finding true love to we r a neglect myself.
where do I go from here? Well no sure yet but I'm going somewhere.
Waiting by the phone hoping he would call as I have to attend to my parent duties plus a 1 month on top of that is not helping.
Wanting child support as I try to set something up besides getting all crazy and shit. Nothing has work and now I have been asking myself where did I go wrong?
Of course I know as I feel so exhausted beating myself up about it. Crying for my prince charming to come.
Now I have realize nothing is coming.I have wasted to much energy on my ex and finding true love to we r a neglect myself.
where do I go from here? Well no sure yet but I'm going somewhere.
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