Lonely

 Dear myself

You see, it has been lonely. Some people won't understand. Yes I have kids. Yes I have my parents around me but I want well, a spouse. Someone to love. 

  Maybe it won't come now because all the craziness. 

Letting go of someone else seems to be..well difficult. I know I need to stay away from them but it is very challenging. Maybe I should just keep my phone silent from him. That would work. 

  Yes do that.

You think so?

Yes, free yourself. Do something different the rest of this year. Cry if you need to. Go and sit out on porch. Call someone or just, connect with someone.

  I know but it leads to nowhere. Covic-19 is not letting up so...I'm trying to be okay being alone.

I understand but don't lose yourself

 Don't give up on yourself

Okay, I won't

Love,

Myself

I feel like I'm sick too

 

   If I didn't tell you the truth then, well there is no point in having the blog. You see most people would say there life's been flip up all around side ways do to Covic-19. 

  I say mines is due to my mom having cancer. There that is when my life stop. I had no more day care for my kids. I had to balance meals all by myself. I had to keep all the burden on me as stress out to only have grey hair pop up before my birthday. 

  I couldn't be selfish as I wanted to run away and have me time. Working was not a option as I need it to make away to take care of my mom. Once I did that, I figure I could balance out working. I thought I had time as time was passing me. I thought I was helping but I was doing the opposite. 

  So, covic-19 hit. I figure it will pass and I can go back to work or just balance shit out with a mask on my dam face as keep my distance. No instead I have high risk people in the house. Instead I need to be careful at all times.

  Then there is work. Hmm, the government want you to look for work when the pandemic is at it's worse. Maybe just where I am at but I have no idea. Now I had to reply to something I shouldn't have to. Unemployment but at least it is done. Do all the process of waiting in agony trying to figure out if they except your claim since you decide it to work for a job for one day and then realize you was working everyday and only getting paid 26.5 hours each week. I didn't want to work everyday and not make enough. 

  Then I figure caregiving would be a great option. Get in and get out. I asked my mom before I went to the next step of the job. Maybe I miss something but for me I have lost my unemployment because I exhausted out my benefits. Aid is coming they say but I had to reapply because the PEU was different and you have to reapply for unemployment all over again. Yeah go figure with this crazy shit. So I did it and now have to call a work center to update my information. You see, I figure why do more work then I should have to if my information is in there. More stalling I see it as. 

  Okay, you see I have lost my job because I had to quit do to my boss being a asshole about my mom being sick so by work and hello mom. Second, my unemployment ran out and I was looking for work anyways but the right one that I can do safely due to my family.

  No daycare and not able to go on the other side of my mom's house, I'm left with trying to look for a job online.

   I did but was it worth it? No not at all. Then I find myself looking as Covic-19 get worse. I cry inside as I keep my shit together. I have no idea why I think it's more off she thinks she will not be here long enough so I have to stay home and keep memories as finding a job online seems to be, well I know I will stink at it. 

   Kids need to be homeschooled and I need to help. I just feel like my life is crumbling slowly as I was trying to get to the top but it came crashing down.

   Sometimes I just feel like "If the government is going to fall, just let it fall, then put me in so much pain." maybe it is giving me time to do something. Having nothing and not able to go do something about it is the hardest thing. 

I feel like I'm sick too

My Journey My Life

It's hard.....

 I know it's hard to be quiet. Say nothing as days pass and even months. You are learning to let go. You are learning to let that person fall.  Not give a crap.

  I know but.....

No, there is no butts. You are amazing. You need to keep running. Get far away and find where you are going.  It's not to late to get back where you was going. Just breath and let go. Just breath and let it be. 

  So hard😢

Yes I know but you need to keep running. Things are changing and you have to be ready for more to come ahead. 

Don't forget to smile more. That will help.

Love,

Myself

shit is getting real

This shit is getting real in America and there is no where to run. You have covic-19 and then you have

black people dying in the street. People are standing up for us which we needed but they are getting hurt during the processes as well. I see war is coming. We all will be treated the same in someway. They will take over America and we will have to decide if we are with good or evil. People will die in front of you. You will have to do things you thought you wouldn't have to do. Death will be around us sooner then you think. 

  Right now I have to survive through this pandemic. Work a job I really don't like but what is the point of leaving when sooner or later we will be shut down again. They are trying to take control over America and they will. We all need to be ready to stick together and not fight but fight against who is and will take over. Death will be shed and people will get hurt. At the end there will be victory. You must stand on the right side when time is near. 

   I know people won't make it, love ones won't and people that are your friends won't make it. I will cry as I know what is ahead. I can not save all of them as they don't care. It has been written as I cry inside. It is going to be worse the Sodom and Gomora. That was sick, and unreal of madness. I cry because if you haven't read it, you should. America is going to fall. Things will get worse and we all will be trap in it praying that the lord will shield us, provide, and just take care of us as we will need his protection. 

   People won't make it as they will fall by the numbers. Be in this world that they will never see it come. I will have to let go of people who I loved and will miss. I don't want to get got and miss the gate because I was not willing to let go. My dream I will never forget as I try to help people from the outside as I was suppose to be on the inside. I thought I had enough time but I never did. I ran and ran as the monsters and people that was lost tell me to run and make it. I never did as the dark skies came near me as I was at the gate ready to go in but it was to late. The gate was close as I saw people behind me saying "You ready to fight" I had no choice to fight. I had no choice but to stay alive until sunset.

That being said, shit is change and be ready because you could miss the gate.

My Life My Journey     

Hmmm..life i guess

Dear myself,

  I don't get it, we are not to far apart. He could have came anytime this morning and knock on the door. Tell me he is still working on his phone or use my phone to call his dad. I'm starting to understand. I'm starting to realize this might actually be the end.

   Yes, it might be. You are learning from his actions. You are learning that this person seems to keep his distance when he feels like he is being him. Selfish and have problems or does not want you to know he is not doing well out there. Their is a difference if a person wants to get out where they are and once who don't.

 Okay I get it. He doesn't want to listen to me anyways. Yes he is a problem when he always bring problems to himself. He is digging deeper in a whole he might not have nothing.  Like he is distance. Guilt or failure or just can't do shit right. Now he drop his phone and his phone is broken. He called and texted from a number he told me to not call back and he will get back to me as soon as he can or when he gets a new phone. Funny how that works

 Yeah don't worry not your problem. So smile and keep going. 

There will be light at the tunnel.

Love, 

Myself

Crying...sad

Dear Myself

  You are crying? Why you let tears flow down your cheeks?

   

   Why even ask? You know what is wrong.

Yes but you are strong, you are brave,you are beautiful. You know that right?

  Yes but....I don't know how to move on. It hurts so much. I have to for my sanity. For my girls.

Yes, I know right now you feel like everything is crumbling around you. Your heart is broken. He took and never seem to care but about himself. Trust...yes that can break someone. 

   It's okay to move on and never look back. I know you always wanted a family.

  Stop there. My life is changing to fast for me. I can not keep up or care about people that shouldn't be in it. The devil doesn't play fare. Only the brave once are left standing and the weask ones are eaten up and lost.  I am the brave one. It scares me to know I might be alone the rest of my time here on earth. I Don't want my kids to feel sorry for me or mommy failed them. I feel weak in my heart but strong and brave on the outside. That front I put on.

   

    Yes, I understand. Being alone scares you. Maybe you might be able to open up later to someone. Let your heart heal. In the mean time make sure friends. Go laugh or a bit to eat. Why waste time looking at the old. That hurt you and it's not going to change. Instead, you are. I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to hurt for months but you will make it through. Yah has a plan but you have to move something out the way. 

  Yes....thank you for listening 

My pleasure. 

Remember you are in control of your life. 

Love,

Myself

 

RUN

Dear myself

you seem to take over my platform earlier.

  yes I did and please tell me why did I do this to myself again. It's going to take weeks..months to heal. 

Yes it is going to take time. You are stronger then you think. This time don't hold his hand. Don't listen to his lies but RUN as fast as you can. Disappear for a bit. You have done enough and I'm sure he never thought you would find out or even get mad since it's not a big deal in his eyes.

   He will suffer some way some how but you run,

Remember to cry because he hurt you. I'm sorry the pain is back. Their is no happiness. You have to focus now on your kids, future you wanted for yourself. 

   Please cry tonight. yes he owe you money but remember you might not get that back.

Tomorrow will be worse as today is not as bad. You deleted his number and I am proud of you. Smile because you just started a new chapter. He will call you but don't answer. He will try and come by but don't open the door. 

     Smile because you are changing your life forever. I will check up on you tomorrow,

Remember to RUN!!!!!

love,

   Myself. 

different blog/sadness

Dear Myself

This blog is going to be different. Dear Myself bog is going to be more straight forward. More pain and hurt as everyone feels and never want to tell all. I have to tell because what is the point of acting like it doesn't happen to me or you. We all been through this pain and we all need to realize we healed from it one way or another. I understand some of us don't. 

  Here I go

   I have experience to much pain with a man for the past 13 years. I put up with the bullshit, the jealousy, the cheating and especially the lies. I lost myself. I loved him dearly not because I had kids with him but I actually loved him. I thought moving on without him would be good for me but instead I still wanted to be with him. I tried to go out on dates but it still wasn't him. I didn't do anything sexual with anyone as I figure I try to get to know the person before jumping in bed. No one never came close to the connection I was looking for.

   Then there was joseph a guy I meet before my ex came back. He was nice and sweet as he saw the pain of a woman that was badly hurt. He didn't take advantage of it but he actually listen and held me as I cried on his shoulder. He cared as he saw I loved another men that didn't love me the same. He was willing to wait for me as I was special. One of a kind.

   My ex came back and I stop talk to Joseph for him. days, weeks and months went. My ex was not as strong as I thought. He was laid off at work because he was late. He stop paying bills and rent and never seem to understand going back and forth to my parents house to get kids and working 5 days was getting to me. I was a exhausted momma. He was not there as he went somewhere else. 

    months went as I forgave but I never forgot. I helped him even though he fucked up. I figure their might just be a chance.  I can fix my family but this time around he has to proof to me he can. 

  No short cuts...No excuses. 

     It didn't take long for him to fail. Sorrows as grown and anger has build up. This time it's better to run far away. Far away to heal Far away to forget. Far away to not be able to listen to the bullshit anymore.

   Today I deleted his phone number. Next is court or some time of sitting down and having arrangements for payments. This part of my life I need to close. Closing the door will be a better fit for me. 

   Trust me the pain hurts it's like someone is ripping out your heart. Holding in all the pain it feels like stress is over taking my body that sooner or later it will shut down. I'm starting to see how people die from a broken heart. 

   Yes, I put myself in this again. I take full responsibility of trusting someone that didn't do his part. 

Please don't judge people that are hurting over someone that hurt them. Don't talk shit as if that will make the person wake up....it doesn't.

    Let that person vent. Let that person get all that shit out so they can finally breath and not hold on to something that was never suppose to be. You see that hurt me when I said never suppose to be. 

  People that have a broken heart or been through something with someone that have loved for a very long time have to heal. That means it will take longer then they would like. Trust has fallen far from them that each time a person comes around, they will not trust them. They will always have a guard up. 

   Love....for us...for them is a lie. A lie people tell you to have hope. To tell you so you think you can really be loved one day. A dam fairytale that people over the years have talked about. This age in time...their is no love out there. Only the special ones find it. I am not one of them. Yes I said it. I am not one of them. 

  I will learn how to love myself. I will learn to deal with things on my own. I am broken and I can not be fixed. I have no one but I think I will be okay

  This is just my life now,

Love,

Myself